•S*xuality is Important in Co-existence
•How to Curb Early S*xual Behaviour
•Communication in Marriage
•How to Resolve Conflicts in Marriage
Rescue Marriage and Relationship initiative an NGO under the auspices of Ike Mbakwo, the anointed young man whose specialty is in the business of rescuing marriages, his experience span two decades.
The NGO in this brilliant move to solidify marriages organised a Duo varieties nite, an event which took place at the prestigious Rockview Hotel in Festac, Lagos Nigeria.
Rescue Marriage and Relationship Initiative is a Nigerian Non-Government Organization with its presence in all major cities in Nigeria and beyond. It has a strong presence on Facebook with the same name, due to page constraints, we will implore you to keep a date with duo varieties nite 3rd edition that will be coming up in 2022 as Creekvibes News Magazine summarises the 2nd edition of Duo varieties night, 2021.
Professional marriage counselors like; Rev Sister Gertrude Nkwocha, John Paul Ezeokoli, Philomena Okure, and Chinwe Owolabi proffers solutions to marriage and relationships problems while it was moderated by Mr and Mrs Ike Mbakwo.
Some people think the sustainability of marriages depends on women; does it mean that Proposals cannot keep the marriage intact? The woman will be seen making frantic efforts to keep the marriage while it was supposed to be the other way round.
Reasons are not far-fetched; men are losing attention base on the facts that they don’t know, the purpose of this event is to unravel the mystery behind collapsed marriages and proffer solutions to maintain sweet marriages and sustainable homes.
The functionality of the homes cannot be maintained except the coupling is maintained.
For the widows and widowers, they’ve got an additional grace from God to manage the absence of their spouse.
The moment we have men who understand their duties in the homes the better our society will become.
Rev Sis Gertrude Nkwocha a vocational director, Religious Sister of Charity.
As humans, we’ve experienced hurts, according to Jack Cornfield’s quote: ‘To let go does not mean to get rid of.’ It simply means to let be, when we let be with compassion things come and go their ways.
Several times I’ve heard people saying; ‘When someone hurts you forgive and forget,’ my dear it’s not that easy, we are talking of the heart, according to Jack’s ‘let it be,’ it simply means it has happened there is no reversal so let it be with compassion, when we allow compassion to come in, it will come and go, but before letting go there are tips to bear in mind when it hurts.
In a relationship things will not always work as planned, hearts must be prepared to let it be. You’ve found this man and you think he is your heaven and earth, you saw this pretty lady and you’ve concluded your world starts and end with her a few days and months into the relationship happiness wraps you all around, and when you finally tied the nuptial knots you saw a different person and you were engulfed in shocked.
Do not forget that we see things differently, during our early Four, Five years of existence we’ve been shaped to either extroverts or introverts.
The constant thing in life is change, so bear in mind the eventuality of changes. In marriage spouse needs their space after the initial ‘I will die for you totori love’ usually in the early stages of marriage, we must storm to form and also make norms to conform to.
When a misunderstanding arises some people think it is the end, but I tell you capital ‘NO’.
It is after series of issues that marriages consolidate more, a visit to our aged parents will enlighten you on their rigorous initial stages, how they made norms; conform to them and get along. In a relationship don’t be afraid to storm don’t think in storming you will lose out; you must storm to form.
Leave room for mistakes, mistakes are ok they are not sins, after all, they are stepping stones to greatness if process properly. When you sit on mistakes it becomes an issue, do not brood over mistakes when it occurs; when high expectations are not met it causes disappointments majorly with the newly wedded, ‘I want her or him to be like this.’
When the man or woman did not meet up expectations it becomes issues when issues arise there is a different approach to curb the menace, the question is, do we ‘respond’ or ‘react’? The response is positive, while reactions are negative.
When issues happened, let’s flashback and ask ourselves what did we contribute to the happened stance? Human beings are fond of pointing accusing fingers. There is fault on both sides; it could be 80% Mr. A, 20% Mr. B, it could be 99/1, the question now is, what did he or she do that annoyed you?
It could be that he had a terrible day while in the office, on his arrival wife said those words that annoyed him, and she was left with red-eye, she went about showing people what he did, while you were the one that caused the 1% that earned you red-eye and people will start to judge him.
But a flashback will help you to calm the situation because it is always two sides.
Another factor to consider while wanting to ‘let it go,’ is to express it; don’t just let it go like that ensure both parties talked about it, that is the best way to keep a healthy relationship.
The woman should call her husband at the appropriate time; ‘Honey let’s talk,’ it will help to ‘let it go.’ Men’s perspective on issues differs that is when you hear men with phrases like; ‘this woman is nagging.’ It is not nagging, the issue touches her bile and she reacted; when the man complains it is not nagging. It bounces back at the woman, all she needs now is equanimity to go about it otherwise, the centre may not hold.
While talking, the usage of words like ‘I’ not ‘you’ is appropriate, psychologically when someone said; ‘You did this and I don’t like it’ it sounds offensive but when you say; ‘I felt bad when this happened’ you win.
During offensive issues either of the spouses needs to lie low, it does not make you lesser human. Replay good memories when you first met.
Avoid things you can’t change during the relationship and in marriage, but when it is life-threatening and seems you no longer have your dignity perhaps you are losing your sanity, I advise you to take a walk because you can only be alive to talk about the relationship.
Lastly, be compassionate and forgive, just as God forgives us.
If you have a stone prepared for your spouse, please drop it, like those that picked up stones against the adulterous woman in the Bible, but they all dropped their stones when Jesus said; ‘He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.’
S*xuality is important in Co-existence
John Paul Eze Okoli
The essence of living from creation after the first man was created was to co-exist, he complained about loneliness to God and the Almighty gave him a companion that is the beginning of the companionship.
One of the essences of our cohabiting as a man and woman is all about s*xuality in the existence of man and woman, funny enough this area is not discussed in marriage conflicts rather we live in it, and it becomes a thorn in the family’s growth.
The purpose of s*x in marriage is for pleasure, it is created by God to be pleasurable in marriage, even animals do enjoy it.
Women are wired to delay at so many points including romance while the opposite s*x is designed to be on the fast lane wanting to plunge his stuff quickly and go off. The man needs to learn to wait for his wife at all points, romance inclusive; he needed to wait till she gets in the mood during foreplay before further matches.
How to curb Early s*xual behavior in children
How long does your child stay behind Television and handset?
Sitting in a position for a long time while watching Television could cause indigestion and this may result in obesity in children; the child may develop aggressive behavior, and he may form smoking or drinking habits and could become bully in school and may generate early s*xual behavior.
Surprisingly children within 6 months and there about struggles with their mother’s mobile phone because they’ve got an idea of what a phone can do.
From the age of 0-18 a child should not be allowed to use a handset, once the child gets to 24 months what he/she should see on-screen or off Tv screen should be guided by parents or care-giver, parents of children between the ages of 5 to 18 should be careful on what the children are exposed to, many at times parents are not always available so what children watch on Tv goes a long way in shaping their formation so, it is important that they are guided properly.
A child of 4 years old was obsessed with Spiderman and jump from a storey building but fortunately, he landed unhurt and he was applauded.
On another occasion he plunges and got one of his legs broken which caused the parents to spent money and months in an Orthopedic clinic tending to his injuries, all these happened because he was not guided accordingly.
Parents shouldn’t hesitate to use parental guide on terrestrial channels; it filters what is available for children’s view.
Communication in Marriage
We need to be prayerful concerning marriages; the family is still the best the world can have. Take a trip out of Africa and you will be shocked at the level of what the devil has achieved on gay and lesbianism.
Communication is the bedrock of marriage, but if you are not talking there is a problem when one is talking and the other is not responding it means a communication channel is broken.
Firstly communication are not conducive when football is going on for a husband that loves football, secondly, time for s*xual activity is not time to discuss how kinds of stuff in the market have skyrocketed; that time is meant for enjoyment, also note dinner’s time is to share a likeness with the children, everyone should enjoy his or her meal, mobile phones should be kept away, handsets are destroying a lot of family tradition.
Over the years you should have understood your spouse, 23 years and still counting for me and my spouse. It is by His grace.
While we were growing up, when dad returned from the office mom will be close to him after serving his meal, he glances through his newspapers then they both discuss us and take decisions, so when it is late at night the person that has done badly will be woken up for discipline.
If you are too quick to judge the other person’s action, it does not give room for explanation, you went ahead to remind him of what he did the other day and you drew a conclusion, you forgot that scenarios are different, that is not communication, according to Sister Gertrude Nkwocha you must sit down and talk; hear each other out, do not judge because silent is dangerous.
I meet a couple who were married for 43 years and separated my eyes were like popping out of their sockets, I kept wondering what could have gone wrong but none of them could explain what went wrong.
A woman came to my house and was complaining that her home is boring; I told her not to say that in my home because I wouldn’t want my children to pick such filthy language, I told her my home can’t be boring and asked her ‘if her home is boring where will she go?’.
We should be conscious while speaking in the house, the children pick the smallest of words. ‘Don’t mind that stupid man!’, you are most stupid to have got married to a stupid man; negative thoughts and bad communication will never help the growth of the family it will rather suppress freedom of expression which is supposed to be the best attitude in marriage… express it and let it be.
Do not read your spouse’s mind; allow him or her to express himself or herself. We communicate to arrive at a better conclusion, it could be a good or bad discussion but there must be a conclusion, do not assume, assumption results in resentment and bitterness.
When couples fall out of love communication becomes a problem, in the book of 1st Corinthians Chapter 13. “Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag. is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way.”
When you have an unforgiving spirit you will fall out of love and you will be standing on the point that you both have ‘irreconcilable differences.’
The wicked phrase from the pit of hell, ‘irreconcilable differences’ there is no irreconcilable differences anywhere.
Avoid coming up with statements you don’t have facts about and don’t depend on ‘they say’ these raise emotions and the aggrieved party could resort to hurtful words like; stupid! Idiot!.
A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger, please use this principle be mindful of your response while speaking with your spouse also adopt the principle of physical touch in a serious discussion, hold hands if possible.
Effective communication in marriage or relationship requires an appropriate environment; stable emotions enable concentration from both parties but, it can only be possible if the couple still has an atom of love.
How to resolve conflicts in marriage
Conflicts do occur among siblings; states, and nations, it is not restricted to relationships of marriages alone. Conflicts are highly inevitable in marriages, so how do we resolve them in marriage?
For two people from different home forms to have agreed to live together as one is not an easy task, it could be interesting in the beginning but when terrible characters that could trigger frustration started playing out it will lead to conflict and problems may start cropping up.
I am in an inter-tribal marriage and my younger sister was living with me so each time we spoke our dialect I never knew my husband wasn’t happy about it until I noticed some unusual behavior, so I approached him and asked him what could be the cause of his mood swing, he aired his views and we moved on. Things that we think don’t matter will start going deeper and it will burst into conflict.
What could bring conflicts in Mr. A’s marriage may not bring conflicts in Mr. B’s marriage, I have been in marriage counseling for 28 years, so I have drawn these from people, so I don’t depend on books alone.
People go into marriage with pretense, during courtship spouses pretend a lot, so when they finally walked down the aisle and started living together they discovered that their expectations were not met, this causes conflicts.
Around 1996 a man got married to a young lady simply because she has rich sisters although during their courtship and marriage the sisters supported them financially the lace she worn during her marriage ceremony was N25,000.
Two of the guy’s in-law brought N500, 000:00 each and he was elated with a million naira after all said and done she moved in with her husband, and a month later reality started manifesting, and her expectations were not met, frustration sets in, and they had turbulent sail for 10 years but we thank God for His mercies they are still in marriage but not without series of counsels from pastors and close allies.
Conflicting stands on children
The man might say, I want two kids only because I want to give them good education and care and the woman may have two girls and intend to add another which she hopes to be a boy.
Schools also stir up commotions, the man may want boarding school while the woman wants day school, so the spouse needs to communicate and arrived at a point that will profit the child.
Issues of where to worship causes conflict, I will advise spouses to talk about where to worship before their wedding, especially when they are from different auditoriums, don’t be blinded by love.
It does not matter if you earn so much, a spendthrift has to be curtailed in order to run the home successfully, for a man that earns a N2million monthly salary and before the end of the month, he requires the assistance of IOU in his office.
The problem was that once he received his salary, he will go on a shopping binge in one of the biggest boutiques and supermarkets, he will buy all he needs and those he does not need, 10 days after he will be left with nothing.
Factors of conflict
Lack of trust
Breakdown in communication
Lack of s*xual contentment
External influences from friends, relatives.
How do we resolve these?
Once a crisis arises you must handle it head-on, ask God for wisdom then face the crisis don’t pretend as if nothing is happening you must deal with the crisis immediately after it occurred.
The man who is the head of the family should call his wife for talks, during the talks the cause of the problem must be unraveled then focus on the problem, not the person, take responsibility, and be truthful to yourself by accepting your fault.
Finally, make up your mind to end every conflict, time does not heal every wound what heals a wound is forgiveness, learn to forgive one another.